Saturday, 14 April 2012

14th April- Split Minds, Fights and Sombre Times

As usual thanks for all of your awesome comments under my most recent post, especially the helpful ones concerning this girl who tried to go out of her way to hurt me. I'm kind of in a weird position with her. After I told her everything that had been happening with my grandma she seemed to decide to stop trying to hurt me and told me she'd be there for me. Although we talked a bit last night we haven't spoken since then mainly because I've been kind of preoccupied. The problems going on in my family right now supersede any problems with girls, education or friends, nothing is more important than family right now.

On the subject of family, last night was very eventful despite the fact hardly anybody was drinking for various reasons. One of the only people drinking was my brother Andrew and that turned out to be what spoiled the night as well. Before leaving the bar, my brother who was thoroughly drunk after 14 Jagerbombs needed to go to the bathroom so we told him we'd wait outside for him. After a bit of waiting my brother still hadn't came outside and it turned out he didn't know where we'd gone to and was looking for us inside. I thought nothing much of it, texted him to come outside but for some reason when he came outside, as I said hi to him he sharply, and robustly punched me right in my side. While a little painful I was more upset that as usual my brother was going to treat me unfairly like shit in one of his rages and because we had decided to all make the half an hour walk together up home I knew it was going to be awkward to say the least.

Andrew's attitude didn't improve, he ignored my friend Jamie when he asked him if he was okay in a Chinese we stopped at on the way up and gave my friend Gareth the finger when he asked a similar question all the while staring me out and trying to intimidate me. Shortly after leaving the Chinese and continuing to walk up he decided to take a huff like a child and storm back the other direction away from us without even saying so much as a goodbye. My brother does this all of the time. He's not the brightest spark and despite being friends with my friends for years he still is unable to make decent conversation with them until he starts to drink. He constantly refers to going out partying with us despite the fact all the "partying," is is him sitting listening to other people make conversation. When things go wrong he takes it out on me because he knows he can get away with hurting me and being a prick to me where if he did it to anyone else in the group he'd have no friends. The only reason why he even gets out really is because these guys are my friends and I let him hang around with us because I love him and want him to have mates, I mean before going out with us all my brother would do is sit inside alone so without me he'd never go out and that's how the guy treats me? He hits me, spits on me, tells me I couldn't attract a girl if I tried and all of this other stuff, it's just extremely irksome.

I was genuinely worried on the way up despite my anger though. Drink inside of somebody without filters is a scary prospect and despite being told I should have hit him back, the guy is about 17 stone while I'm only 11, there's no way I could beat him in a fight or anything like that. I was actually scared, scared that I would wake up with him in my room at 2 o'clock in the morning threatening me like he'd did before but because of what's been going on with grandma recently I really didn't want to give my mum more to worry about so I didn't want to tell her. I didn't have to tell her though because when he did come home he came home yelling for me and at me in front of my mum about how we all needed to have respect for him, then stormed off into the kitchen leaving my mum to eventually doctor peace between us. What my brother doesn't realise is that respect is earned. I know I'm currently job hunting but this guy has done nothing since he left school at 16 and hasn't even tried to do anything since then to sort his life out so how dare he say I don't respect him or that my friends have no respect, it's ridiculous.

Sorry for going off on a rant, I guess I'm finished now. When my brother sobered up in the morning he apologised profusely for his abhorrent behaviour the night before and while I know he'll hit me, rage at me and frighten me in his drunken rage again I'm putting it to the back of my mind for now at least, he is family after all and like I've tried to do for him my entire life I'm going to look after him. It's not like our family isn't shaky enough right now with my grandma being so ill...

On the topic of grandma, it's her 83rd birthday tomorrow and since she's spending it in hospital I know it's going to be a very sad one. I know now she has almost no recollection of the last 10 years or so (she still thinks my brother's at school) and she didn't even recognise me tonight so it's going to be very, very, tough, I'm not looking forward to it. Grandma's long lost, only connected with and found out about sister about eight years ago sister is phoning from America and even if grandma won't remember her sister at least I'll be able to hopefully speak to Aunt May for a while. She's such a genuine, loving, kind, Christian woman and I know it must be tearing her apart too so it'll be good to try and help her feel a bit better about this and vice versa.

Even though this is just a blog and she can't (and probably never will be able to read this) I just wanted to write here before telling her once again tomorrow and say Happy Birthday to my grandma. I love you and I want you to be better. I want the old you back. I don't want this person who forgets me, who doesn't know where she is, what year it is, who probably forgets us telling you how much we love you at the end of visiting seconds later, I want the old you back. This isn't living granny, please, please, please get better and sooner rather than later.

Okay guys, I'm getting ready to hit the hay and go to sleep here, it's been a tough day. I'm still being battered by the cold and feel horrible, my bets lost out in the Grand National today and I'm burned out from a swim I had at the pool this afternoon coupled with a late night last night. Have a great weekend everybody, ciao ciao.



  1. I don't think your brother should be drinking. But by saying that I am really just pointing out the obvious. He needs help of some kind. I think you should stand up to him more. I get that he's a lot bigger than you, but with how much you work out you can probably take him. Still though, I know that won't help anything, and it would probably make it worse. I hope someone in your family has a happy birthday tomorrow, even if it doesn't seem very likely.

  2. Happy bday to your Grandma. I can understand how hard it would be watch our close family member or friend going on self-destructive mode and alienate themselves by hurting others. Maybe he is not socially awkward this could be due to his drinking problem.
    Good night!

  3. I agree with Mark in that I don't think your brother should drink! You don't deserve the dogs abuse that serves as a side effect to your brother's enjoyment. That's not fair!
    On a brighter note, happy birthday to your Grandma! Even if she doesn't recognise it, it'll be nice for you and your family to be able to spend another birthday with her i'm sure. I hope you're okay throughout all this.

  4. Yeah I have to agree keep the alcohol far far away from your brother. He should not be drinking. Hope your grandmother has a good birthday and continues to make progress.

  5. WHOA...14 jagerbombs and your brother didn't pass out? I hope he will turn out like you and just become a social drinker. I hope you enjoy the day with your grandma, and while she will spend it in the hospital on her birthday, everyday is precious.

  6. I was thinking the same thing as Bravoe was. 14 jagerbombs could kill a person. You're brother definitely needs to go on the wagon and you shouldn't have to live in fear of his rages. At some point you will have to say enough is enough to this particular type of behavior. Wishing your grandmother a Happy Birthday and hope that she recovers enough to return home and have more good years in future.

  7. your brother is seriously a troublesome type of person. he should be atleast feel thankful about you for helping him have a life. Apology doesn't make all things better if he does it all the time. It's creepy how he treats you and your friends. he should be the one comforting you esp at this point where you're bothered with your grandma and a little bit trouble with the girl you like.
    Anyhow, I still hope your grandma a happy birthday regardless of where she spends her day :)

    be happy Matty! ^_^

  8. Happy Birthday to your Grandma!

  9. yes its a little creepy that he should treat you like that. 14 Jagerbombs ? maybe shouldnt allow him that much ? i dont know. just a thought. he seemed to have done all that in a drunken stupor.
    happy birthday to your grandma, Matthew. xx

  10. trekking your blog!!! have a great weekend too!


  11. Virtual hugs to you, Matthew, and I hope it was a happy birthday - at least for a few moments - for your grandma.


  12. That is quite unfortunate to hear. :( We're currently worried about my last living Grandma because all of her sisters had Alzheimer's so we're crossing our fingers that she doesn't get it too.

  13. My own grandma is 94 years old. This last year my mom and dad have had to take care of her a lot, because she got sick, and fell and hurt herself etc. She's survived a lot in the past, but now it feels like this might be her last year...You never now with my super-grandma tho, but I still know how you feel - you want that person back you knew when you were little, and grandma wasn't THAT old yet...It's sad, but it's the way life works...Obviously your brother isn't behaving in the best of ways. It's weird how some people just get happier and nicer when drunk, while some others turn into complete douchebags! But, as you say, he's still family, and I hope you will be able to stick together no matter what! xox

  14. trust me caring your grand ma is not bad. being with her all the time is the best you can do so the memories of the ppl you care wont go away that easily. so dont make same mistake i did friend because even though i liked my grand mother a lot i barely remember her >.< treasure all the days hours minutes and seconds you pass with her ^^

  15. I understand how you feel with your grandmother. I want mine back and how she was before she got sick. But, I know it won't happen for me. But, I am keeping positive thoughts for your grandmother, I know its hard for you, but being there with her is a great thing. I miss my Nana so much, she was the kindest woman. I hope your brother sorts himself out, its clear that him and drink don't mix. It's a shame. Try not to worry on him, your grandmother is more important just now!! Thye family needs to be strong just now!! xo